A Letter To Love

Dear Love,
First of all, I want you to know that I am only writing to you because I unwrapped a piece of Dove Chocolate, and the wrapper said "write a letter to Love," and since Chocolate, unlike you, has always served me well, I always try to do what it asks. After this you and I can go back to our previous arrangement of pretending the other doesn't exist.

I bet you were expecting some sort of letter of thanks. 'Love, you have enriched my life so much. Thank you'. Well, forget it. I'm no Florentino Ariza, and if I were, I would totally charge people to write their love letters for them. Seriously, he called himself an entrepreneur? I might just put up an ad on Craig's List right now...$10 bucks for a love letter, $15 for an original love poem, tailored to the specifics of your beloved, discretion guaranteed. Oh, I'm digressing. Sorry.
Yeah, um, Love, you suck. You suck balls. Llama balls. No wait, mammoth balls. Yeah. You like 'em hairy, don't you? Big and hairy.

You have never gotten me anywhere. Never. Remember when I was a freshman in college, and dating that buck-toothed asshole who cheated on me with that skinny bitch with cystic fibrosis? Remember how you convinced me that he was The One, even after he suggested having anal sex so that I wouldn't lose my virginity? Do you remember how he told me he loved me, then broke up with me five days later in an email? And remember how I could barely get out of bed for days after that? Do you?

And remember when I lost my virginity? How can you forget, it was in your hometown of Paris, France! Paris is your breeding ground, your glue trap, where you lead unsuspecting young men and women into dark, smoky, sultry, unforgettable affairs. And you really got me. You got me good...from the minute I laid eyes on that cute Algerian bartender I was in your clutches. I danced with him, kissed him, let him deflower me in a hotel bed, and fell hopelessly into you. And you...you just wouldn't let me see straight at all. You know, that was the least you could've done for me. But you blindfolded me with rosy silk and I thought he felt the same way. Remember how I cried at Gare du Bercy, as I left Paris for Milan, and he kissed me goodbye? You followed me all through Italy. You could have left me in Paris but you just had to tag along. So I thought about you and him while I was in Milan. You and him in Venice. You and him in Rome. You and him in Florence. You and him in Naples. Then, on the way back to Milan from Naples, a creepy caterer groped me on the train and I while I was filing my police report I missed my train to Nice. So I went back to Paris, seeking the comfort of my beloved. But what happened when I got there? HE TOLD ME HE HAD A NEW GIRLFRIEND. After a week and a half! He had already discarded me. That was not funny. That was really mean. You did not have to set me up like that.

It was more than a year before you let me let go of him. And then I started seeing Pedro. Pedro worked in the cafeteria at my college, remember? And at the Senior dinner, I locked eyes with him and he grabbed my hand and pulled me next to him, as a girl I didn't really know snapped a picture of us. After that we started seeing each other. We laughed and talked and pretty soon I fell into you again. And he said he had you for me too; in fact he said it first. But what happened nearly a year later? He said he didn't love me and that he had said 'I love you' because it sounded better than 'I like you'. It was all a lie, and you let me believe it.
And now he's back. In July I visited a psychic who read my palm and said to me, "Don't you know that he loves you?" I don't know if he does, but at this point I don't really have any more of you for him anymore. I just fuck him, because the tension between us makes the sex hot. But I don't really know if you're in the picture and frankly I don't care.

I used to spend hours daydreaming about you...I daydreamed about falling into you with [young] Paul McCartney, or [young] George Harrison, or Derek Jeter (who actually isn't cute anymore but again I digress). I'd daydream about winning back someone who'd spurned me, how the Algerian would finally fall into you and realize that I was the one and send that French skank packing. Or I'd involve you in a revenge fantasy: the buck toothed asshole would confess that he was deeply into you with me and I would tell him to go fuck himself. I'd recast movies with myself as the romantic lead, opposite Leonardo DiCaprio. I'd rewrite history: George Harrison never married that chick who left him for Eric Clapton. I'd pine for hours over various crushes...Sam the saxophone player, Josh, the wrestler, Sam again...
Now I really don't think of you that much. When I need an escape I dream about hitting the lottery, or better yet, the perfect job. Writing for Saturday Night Live, or being a spy. Or, if no one else is around (I am superstitious; I feel like people can read my thoughts) I dream about sex. Sex in public. Sex in cars. Nasty, dirty, fuck-me-right-now-with-your-huge-cock sex. But not you. I am so done dreaming about you.

You can totally kiss my ass. You have messed with my head enough. I know it amuses you to play games with me, but really, it's enough already. So find someone else to be the source of your sadistic amusement. I'm going to spend time with some people who actually help me: Chocolate, and maybe later, Sex.

Sincerely,
Someone who hates your fucking guts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know who.